HEH HEH HEH huh?

Big Thanks to my Number 1 FAN

Minions,

My number 1 Fan, Matt "Can dunk on a non regulation basketball hoop" Dana, took it upon himself to make the choose your own adventure story into a more readable Internet Page.

You Internet Magician!


It can be found here http://www.smarterdesigns.com/sasquatch/

SASQUATCH MIA

Damnit all to hell, this crap is getting ridiculous. Nature walks aren't supposed to take months, even if it does include the occasionally pillaging of a pink skin's camp site. Sas is no where to be found, and I'm about ready to eat my own damn dorsal fin. Thats right, theres about to be a very painful stirfry goin on in this bowl if this shit isn't taken care of.

... I apologize. I haven't even introduced myself. My name is Sergeant Alexander Murphy, Sas's pet fish. Why do I have a military rank? Fuck you, thats why. What kind of fish species am I. Your mother, next question.

Doh, again some apologies are in order. You see, I haven't been fed in months. Sas will usually toss in some of his left overs (cheap bastard). This usually includes some half knawed on pelvic bones, a patch of scalp, or a toaster stroodle. Its pretty gross.... I mean some of those stroodles are way past expiration.

Anyways, this will be the last you hear of me if you don't get help. Thats right, your new best god damn friend is gonna be sleepin with the fishes, er.... sleepin with... fuck it you get the point. My next meal is gonna be a god damn worm taco with zesty buffalo wing sauce. You know who my waitress will be? Someone DEAD! A GHOST YA SEE! LIKE MOTHER TERESEA OR CARROT TOP!

I need your help. I've exhausted every option. I need to retrace his footsteps, So I've created a god damn choose your own path adventure. Solve it, cretinites!

Your Sasquatch, you just wake up.. do you:

Feed Sergeant Alexnader Murphy - go to 1

Do some E-Trading - go to 2

Go for a nature walk (kill) - go to 3

Go Back to bed - go to 4

1: Good choice. I was about to fuckin alert PETA! Ok that was a bluff. We all know PETA is too damn busy trying to make the living conditions in slaughter houses more acceptable for chickens. Ya know, I'm sure the chickens will have more comfortable lives if we get them HBO and Cinemax in their final days.... ya know, until we kill, cook, and eat every last fucking one of them. Anways, your fish is fed, here are your options.

A: Go back to bed - go to 4

B: Sweep the floor, its covered with skulls for christ sake - see 5

C: Fix the plumbing - see 6

D: Give your accountant Ira a call - see 7

2: What a great idea, E-Trading. Ya know Sas, most people use a reputable medium when doing their online trading... ya know, like yahoo or AOL. But "Harry's discount E-trading: We'll make you rich before you untimely death" was a great fucking choice. Guess what? Your debit card is worthless. Along with all your credit cards. Oh, and there are several bank accounts now open in your name. Heh, I have a memory that lasts 8 seconds and I wouldn't fall for that shit. Hey Sas, someone in Nigeria has a bridge to sell ya - Advance to 4

3 - You go outside. The sun if bright, and there is the scent of apple pie in the air. Do you:

Investigate the apple pie aroma - advance to 8

Fuck apple pie, I needs me some bloodshed - advance to 9

See what that damned Albino Monkey is up - advance to 10

Theres a sale at PENNYS! - advance to 11

4 - Good fucking decision, dickhead. Little did you know the debt collectors were right outside the cave HOPING your dumb ass would do that. They rush in, issue your last fuckin rights, and take everything you own. Now you have nothing. Time to take a nice hot bath... and remember kiddies, slit down not across.

5 - While sweeping up the remains of curious humans and empty cans of natty light you stumble upon a patch of leaves. Whats the only thing to do when you come across a pile of leaves? Any kid knows this, you jump the fuck in! Wrong. Nice place to leave your bear trap SAS. Don't you 90% of accidents occur in the home. Advance to 4.

6 - What are you a fucking plumber? Leave the work to the professionals. Guess what? That tiny leak you tried to fix is fuckin spewin like Niagra Falls. Good one asshole. Good thing you invested in those sugar cubes. The water overflowing into my bowl wasn't quite sweet enough. I'm sure all this sugar water will attract two of my favorite things.... bees and Chuck Norris. I just hope the ladder isn't wearing his "roundhouse kick +5" sneakers. Advance to 4.

7 - Oh god, why are you calling that low life right now. Ira reminds you not to call him during the hours of 9am - 5pm, as he doesn't want to miss a second of the "Coach" mararthon on tbs. How much Craig T Nelson can one man stomach? Jerry Van Dyke?! Jesus H. All this time on the phone is leaving you prone to invasion. Guess what, jerk cycle? Advance to 4.

8 - What the fuck, Sas. You hate apples. And unless a pie is cooked with the entrails of a confused human, you want no part in that either. You know what else you hate? Fire. Especially when your on fire. You know how quick your dingle berry encrusted fur coat goes up in flames. Well guess what, your on fire. Better run home and put it out. Advance to 4.

9 - Killing. Your favorite pass time. You wander onto a few hapless human campsites. Not only do you eat your fill, but make a FABULOUS new necklace out of ears and pinky fingers! You suddenly get hit with inspiration! You want to write a novel about killing! After all, nobody kills quite like you. But what should the title be?! Here are your options:

"Out for a midnight kil"l - advance to 12

"Killing till the killings done" - advance to 13

"Ill take the cheeseburger, medium rare. I want ketchup, american cheese, and carmilized onions.... oh, and I'll take a side of KILLING" - advance to 14

"You cant spell Killing with out Kill. Oh, and king is in there too". advance to 15

10 - The albino monkey?! You hate that little bastard! Don't you have better things to do than go see that little retard? I mean, just look at his two passions in life. Shitting on your bear skin rug, and tiger traps. Guess what you just fell in? Uh oh, just sprained your ankle. Better go home and ice that shit, homie. Advance to 4.

11 - Ugh. Does this choice even need explanation. You go to Penny's and hit a FANTASTIC sale. You just couldn't believe you found a bed spread that matchs your curtains EXACTLY! And the unfinished wood department! You know how much money you just saved!? Uh oh, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" comes on in 15 minutes. Better rush back to the cave. You know how you prefer your vasoline microwaved! Advance to 4.

12 - Hmm, little skeptical about the title choice. Better run home and grab your farmers almanac to see what farmers do at that hour. Advance to 4.

13 - What a great title. You get to work right away. Uh oh, dumbass. You forgot to research the title. Guess who already has that name copyrighted, ya 7Ft tall piece of muscrat gentilia? Steven Segal. You were wondering who that was standing in front of you with the slicked back hair. Feel that soreness in your chest? Thats Steven's fist breaking through the sternum, en route to your heart. Better run away! But where to!? I know... THE CAVE. Advance to 4.

14 - All this talk of cheeseburgers is making you hungry. Who can write on an empty stomach anway. Good thing you stocked up on happy meals. On the way back to the cave you chuckle to yourself. "Those damn happy meals are like 2 dinners in one! You get the burger and fries.... and the toy to attract delcious infants!" You get back to the cave, ready to munch! Advance to 4.

15 - The novel is finished! LETS RUN HOME TO SHOW SERGEANT ALEXANDER MURPHY! Advance to 16.

16: Guess who just fucking burst through the door. Feed my hungry ass, I'm about to go hannibal lectur on my tail!

SASQUATCH IS BACK!

Is an upside down cake, really upside down if you ignore the orientation of the food and just eat it as if though it were right side up?

Sasquatch says: Whichever way you look at it, its still:

4 tablespoons (60 ml) butter1/2 (125 ml) cup light brown sugar1/4 (1 ml) teaspoon grated nutmeg2 cups (1/2 liter) peaches, sliced thin1 teaspoon (5 ml) fresh lemon juice1 1/3 cups (325 ml) cake flour3/4 cup (175 ml) sugar1 3/4 teaspoon (9 ml) baking powder1/4 teaspoon (1 ml) salt3 tablespoons (45 ml) butter1/2 cup (125 ml) milk1 teaspoon (5 ml) vanilla extract

Ira The Account Says:

You kids ask such asinine questions. How bout instead of sitting in front of the typewriter all day you go out and earn your keep. Upside down cake? When I was young we didn't get cake. Hell, I had to sleep in a burlap sack for the first 10 years of my mundane life. You know what? I went out and achieved anyway. You think I put myself through "Smith's House o Accountin College" by staring at cake all day long? Damn athiest.

Giggles the Albino Gorilla says:

LOL. CAKE! BURNED IN GREAT FIIRE OF NORTHEN LITES!

CAKE IS GOOD. CAKE MAKE ME DO CRAZY TINGS. POOPY ON CARPET ROFLLOL

ME SO SMART! LOLROFL!!!!1111

Little Eddie Touch Hole and Goblin Face Teddy say:

You eatin cake, you liven large

why you be blastin, we aint on no barge

You know where we ats, don't be no hero

we bustin our way into pokemon two triple zero

Damian the Anarchist Frog says:

Give me more information about this cake. Is it filled with explosives? Poison? Was it baked in the fires of hell? By someone with little respect for the law? Tell me about yourself. Ever killed a grown man? Do you like violence? Betrayal? Were you rooting against rocky? Did you give a standing ovation during passion of the christ? These are questions that NEED BE ANSWERED!

New Feature!

Ask the Sasquatch Panel of Cultural Elites! THe SPCE is an open forum where I, Sasquatch, as well as my closest friend's and neighbors, field questions on any topic! Leave a question in the comment section, and I shall post the panel's response on Friday.

Welp, time to go. I must admit, I'm addicted to e-trading. I heard from an inside source that GM is about to unleash a fuel efficient vehicle that runs on the souls of the damned!

A CALL TO ARMS!

I received this startling message via my blackberry.



I was planning on updating my adoring fans (Jim "not quite Billy Zabka" Cooley and Matt "Can Dunk on a Non Regulation Basketball Hoop" Dana). Looks like ol Sas has to partake in a dangerous message.

Don't worry though, Sas has a plan. I've told my accoutant, Ira Rosenberg, to update this weekend for me... so be expecting that. A little forewarning: he isn't computer savvy, and fears change. New technology, like the internet and resume paper, scare him to death.

Even more evidence

I grow weary of your distrust.... so I present exhibit C!! Surely this will be enough

WHAT THE F!

WHO F'ing TOOK AN S ON MY BEAR SKIN RUG!!! WAIT A SEC, WHOSE BEEN PLAYING WITH MY LIMITED EDITION "DAYS OF THUNDER" ACTION FIGURES!!

JASLDJALDJA; JAJEDJAWOJ !!!111

HAHAHAH!!!!11

I SNUCKS ON SAS COMPUTER AND SAY NASDEE TINGS!!

SAS SMELL LIKE SNALE SHELL!11

SAS LOOK LIKE BUFALLO LOIN!!!!!!!111

HAHAH231AAHA I AM KING !!

OH NOS, I HEAR BIG SAS NOW!

BYE BYE LOLOLOLOLROFL I A HACKER!!!!111

Need more evidence?

I GOT IT IN SPADES!!!

WANT A HINT JIM!?

I can't believe you don't remember me.... after all the so called "good times." Perhaps this photograph will rekindle your feelings for me.... My Sasquatch mind can't fathom your ineptitude.